I don’t sleep well anymore, I haven’t in ages. Everything in my head is alway utter chaos, and I feel like I’m losing my grip on reality. I don’t know what I’m doing half the time. I just kind of coast on by. Easily frustrated by the smallest most subtle of things which cause me to outburst more often than not. I feel like I’m drowning and no one ever realizes it but me; instead of trying to kick my way to the surface, I gave up. Letting my body sink down to the bottom of the river, lake, ocean…
Scarred body, little girl, why do you cut yourself
I don’t just cut, she said,
Without this escape
I could not survive.
Sorrow lines weave up her legs
Touch me no more, my love
I have nothing left to offer you but the fragmented parts and you will get cut. He used to do it too, touch me there like you. They all did. Dozens of sticky rough old fingers, climbing there way up my innocence and leaping with my self respect clutched in their horny hands. Stealing pieces as they all go. I am nothing, left over shreds of childhood memories and broken dolls. When did I stop being a disney princess, where is my prince?
I cannot remember your face unless I am sifting through old photographs
but sometimes I can smell you in a summer breeze
The smell brings back many pleasant memories
I cling to those, like they’re the last breath of fresh air I will ever taste
And I don’t want to waste it. . .
Why was it so easy for her to walk away? She said she loved me, she said she couldn’t be without me. And I believed her, Goddess help me, I believed her. Now I sit here day after day falling apart.
I know I shouldn’t allow her that much power over me but I love her and I don’t want to be without her. There’s only one person I’ve ever loved as much and that’s my fiance, but even that is a different love.
Bonds vary between people and mine with her was something I had never experienced. And she just moved on like I was never even there. Like I didn’t give 2 years and change of my life and now I’m just supposed to let go.
*Trigger Warning: suicidal ideations*
I try not to be too selfish; I’ve never enjoyed being a selfish person, but that was one of my biggest problems. I never knew how to do FOR ME! Taking care if myself has always been an afterthought. I mean, I do the basics. . .shower, eat, make sure I move around so as not to atrophy my muscles. I make sure the kids are always well fed and clean. I help with their homework and try to maintain the apartment. I fall off sometimes but I try not to beat myself up about it, lord knows how I love to punish myself. So basically I can do a lot for someone else but cannot accomplish more than basic self care for me.
I started trying to be the kind of selfish we all need so that we can grow and be happy. It’s not easy though. I know I shouldn’t let other peoples opinions affect the way I treat myself, but when you’re constantly met with debate or argument in the moments where you feel like you’re finally starting to be yourself you just want to crawl into a whole and forget about everything and everyone around you.
Most days I wish I wasn’t around anymore, like everything is just entirely too much to handle. I can’t think straight long enough to formulate any kind of plan or goal that will pull me out of all of the crap I’ve been swimming in. I’m losing everything I have and I’m pushing people constantly away. I have yet to call the doctors office to start therapy again. I keep telling myself to but honestly I’m just so tired.
I’m tired of trying, I’m tired of talking, I’m tired of trying to figure out who I am because it takes too much away from what everyone else needs from me. Me trying to be a happy me just fucks it up for everyone else and I don’t want to keep fighting back against that. I feel so drained. Everything’s a mess.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always lived inside my head. It’s not always the best place to be, but it’s easier to remain there than to interact with people on a day to day. I stopped writing as much and that probably hasn’t helped but, again, it’s easier.
There had just been so much going on lately and to give it words is to make it all real and I feel like I’m already drowning. There are good days too, don’t get me wrong. They’re just harder to hold onto sometimes.
I stopped going to therapy. Maybe not my brightest hour, I want to call and go back but the anxiety I feel when I think about reaching back out, starting over again is so overwhelming that I just keep putting it off. Then some days I feel amazing, like I can take on the world and everything in it. Those days are far and few though.
It’s Like I Fall on Deaf Ears
I try to maintain a certain level of acceptance when it comes to how my feelings are interpreted, but it pains me when I don’t even feel as if they were acknowledged. Many times I’ve been looked at and spoken to like I’m crazy; I don’t know maybe I am but is everything I feel crazy? If so, why am I not locked away? Sometimes I wish I was.
Snippet Of My Dilemna
You find out, Gods know how long after the fact, that someone was propositioning the person you love with all of your soul. Enticing them to partake in this unfaithful act of solely physical passion. You want to address said person and let her know that the two of you laugh at those messages together, however false that may be because remember, you just found out. . . No matter how you try to address the situation, this PERSON that you LOVE with all of your SOUL is trying to get you to stop. However immature and childish it may appear, however unnecessary it may seem. Why can’t you be granted the opportunity to act on something you feel deeply about? Why are you being stopped so adamantly? Because the PERSON that you LOVE with all of your SOUL wants to avoid drama? WHY?! Is it so wrong, so hard, to just let him/her speak their piece and keep it pushing?
Maybe I was Always a Joke
Maybe how I feel has always been a joke to everyone, even if you refuse to laugh. Maybe because I’m me and I have what I have, none of these feelings mean anything. They’re all just over exaggerated, right?! Maybe I was always crazy. Maybe I was ALWAYS a JOKE!!!
My Twin Flame
He is my perfection, masquerading as a tortured soul. I just want to make his world whole again. When he says he loves me til forever, I’m filled with an indescribable emotion, pure euphoria. Goosebumps across my skin. He makes me believe forever is a destination we will spend eternity chasing together. Our dreams guiding us through the darkness we’ve allowed access to our hearts. Fate has handed us a rare opportunity to create something special. Two fractured souls, carved of the same life-force, connected. Forever inseparable. No matter where we go, we will always belong to each other.
I’ve lied to myself for so long and I hold onto these ideas of what life should be, of what family is supposed to mean and all I’m left with are these random flashing images in my mind of strangers that share some of the same DNA markers. There’s literally a handful of these people that I can actually say have been there the way I always believed family should. The rest are just blood like strangers who share a distant memory, some moment we had and hold onto, something that was obviously never enough to make our relationships more than what they were, are.
Maybe I have given up…in some ways I think it’s probably for the best. I mean, trying so hard is what got me here in the first place. Looking for something or someone to hold onto, just to stay afloat a while longer.